Blackadder II, Bells

Percy: I'll advise them to stay there then. Keep their hands off our women.
Edmund: Oh God, who is she this time?
Percy: I don't know what you mean. Aah, ouch, aah. [Edmund succeeds in pilfering a letter from Percy]
Edmund: Aah, and who is Jane?
Percy: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord.
Edmund: This is the Jane Herrington?
Percy: Yes.
Edmund: Jane - bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin - Herrington.
Percy: I.., I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons.
Edmund: No... Tall, blond, elegant?
Percy: Right, that's right.
Edmund: Goes like a privy door when the plague is in town? Come on, get on with your shot. You'll get over her. ... [Percy aims]
Edmund: I did. ... [Percy aims again]
Edmund: So did Baldrick actually. [Percy's shot ends up way too low]

Edmund: Well, Bob, welcome on board. Sorry Baldrick, any reason why you are still here?
Baldrick: Euh .. I've got nowhere to go, my lord.
Edmund: O surely you will be allowed to starve to death in one of the royal parks.
Baldrick: I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord.
Edmund: Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.
Baldrick: Couldn't I just stay here and do the same job but for no wages?
Edmund: Well, you know where you will have to live.
Baldrick: In the gutter.
Baldrick: Yes.
Edmund: And you'll have to work a bit harder too.
Baldrick: Of course, my lord.
Edmund: All right. Go and get Bob's stuff in and chuck your filthy muck out into the street.
Baldrick: God bless you, sweet master.

Bob (= Kate): What think you, my lord, of... love?
Edmund: You mean rumpy pumpy?

Edmund: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.
Doctor: They're marvellous, aren't they?
Edmund: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.
Doctor: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?
Edmund: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?
Doctor: That's right, the great Hoffmann.
Edmund: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.
Doctor: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a [in chorus] course of leeches.
Edmund: Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed ?

Edmund: Tell me Young crone, is this Putney?
Crone: That it be... that it be...
Edmund: "Yes it is", not "That it be". You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist. I seek information about a Wisewoman.
Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman.. the Wisewoman.
Edmund: Yes, the Wisewoman.
Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is ... a woman! ...and second, she is ...
Edmund: Wise?
Crone: You do know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?
Crone: Of course.
Edmund: Where?
Crone: Here. Do you have an appointment?
Edmund: No.
Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.
Edmund: Thank you Young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you.

Bob (= Kate): Prepare to be amazed. [Bob starts unbuttoning her blouse]
Edmund: Oh no. You haven't got one of these birthmarks shaped like a banana, have you?
Bob: No.
Edmund: Or, or, or a tattoo saying "Get it here"?
Bob: No.
Edmund: Oh God. You've got one of those belly buttons that sticks outward, haven't you?
Bob: No my lord.
Edmund: Now what can it possibly be? [Mysterious music on a flute]
Edmund: Aah... good Lord!

[Two minutes later, Kate and Edmund chatting at the table]
Edmund: What was all that Bob's stuff about then?
Kate: Because you would have just used me and cast me aside like you have so many women before.
Edmund: Hah... would I?

Percy: Ourgh... well euh.. [deep voice] Edmund, there has been some discussion around the Court on the subject of who's going to be your best man and I thought it might be the moment to bring the subject to a conclusion.
Edmund: Ah yes, Percy. I would like you...
Percy: Oh, I'm so proud!
Edmund: Please let me finish. I would like you to take this letter to Dover where is recently docked the galleon of my old school friend and adventurer Lord Flashheart. He shall be my best man.

Edmund: [to the old man standing near them] Excuse me, could you move along please. Look, I'm waiting for my father in law. Last thing I want is some scruffy old beggar blocking the church door, smelling of cabbage.
Father: I am your father in law.
Edmund: Oh no... All right, how much you want to clear off?
Kate: Edmund, how could you? He's my father, my only living relative.
Father: Ten pounds should do the trick.
Kate: Father!
Edmund: All right, there we go.
Kate: Edmund, you mustn't!
Edmund: No, don't worry, I'll get Baldrick to beat him up after the ceremony. We'll get the money back.

Queen: Ah Edmund. Could we get on do you think? I want to get to the reception so I can get squiffy and seduce someone.
Edmund: Yes.. oh.. unfortunately ma'm, my best man still has not arrived.
Queen: Well, get another one.
Edmund: Ma'm, there is no one else I can really think of.
Percy: Euh.
Edmund: Sorry Percy?
Percy: Nothing my lord, just clearing my throat.
Edmund: Don't. I don't want you coughing all the way through the ceremony.

Queen: Oh, come on Edmund. You must be able to think of another best man.
Edmund: Well, I suppose I could ask Percy. Percy!
Percy: My lord!
Edmund: Can you think of another best man?
Percy: Well my lord. One name does spring to mind.
Edmund: Yes. But I can't ask Baldrick. He's a bridesmaid and besides, I need a friend, an equal, an old and trusty companion.
Percy: I think there is one person in the room who fits the description.
Edmund: Of course... Nursie! How do you fancy putting on a pair of hose and being my best man?

Flashheart: It's me, Flash! Flash by name, Flash by nature. Hurrah!
Edmund: Where have you been?
Flashheart: Where haven't I been! ..Waugh!!!.. But I'm here now. Who is that?
Edmund: I don't know, but he is in your place.
Flashheart: Not for long. Hold that.
[Hands his sword to Baldrick, then throws Percy through the door]
Flashheart: Thanks bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang on to.