Blackadder    |     Blackadder quotes    |     Bottom    |     Red Dwarf    |     Alan Partridge

British Comedy: Blackadder quotes

back to British Comedy index page

Blackadder is, in my opinion, the best British comedy show ever produced. It's a "historical sitcom", taking place during the Middle Ages, Elizabethan England, the early 19th century, and the 1st World War. So you've guessed it, there were four series (of 6 episodes each) running on BBC TV from 1983 until 1989.

back to my British comedy page

These are quotes from only a couple of episodes, namely:





















Blackadder I, The Archbishop

Harry: You see, Archbishop Godfrey was coming out of the Duke of Winchester's room--
Edmund: ...who had just died, leaving all his lands to the Church?
- Well, as a matter of fact, yes.
- And so the King was really after his blood, presumably.
- Well, I dare say, but the point of the matter is that, at that moment, round the corner, came Sir Mortimer.
- The King's hired killer...
- No, no, no. Mortimer: that tall, rather striking fellow with no ears.
- Yes, that's him.
- Well, he saw the Archbishop and rushed towards him with his head bowed, in order to receive his blessing, and, er, unfortunately, killed him stone dead.
- How?
- Mortimer was wearing a Turkish helmet.
- Oh, I see, yes: one of those with the two feet spike coming out of the top?
- It's one of those things they normally use for butting their enemies in the stomach and (Edmund joins in) killing them stone dead.

(a fanfare is played to announce the beginning of the appointment ceremony)
Edmund: Fingers crossed...
King: Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last -- after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost -- decided upon the next Archbishop. (there is a murmuring among those gathered) May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
Edmund: (to his friends) Fat chance!
King: I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... (Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points a bit toward Harry)
King: ...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!

(in castle dining room; Queen is eating at one end of the long table, and looks up as she hears her husband's voice approach)
King: DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG! (They are sword sparring. King forces Harry to the table.)
King: YOU TURKISH PIG!
Harry: Father, it's me! Pax!!!
King: Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.

Edmund: Ah. Well, let's start with the pardons, shall we?
Baldrick: Right. Well, this is a fair selection. Basically, you seem to get what you pay for. They run all the way from this one, which is a pardon for talking with your mouth full, signed by an apprentice curate in Tukesbury.
Edmund: Ah. How much is that?
Baldrick: Two pebbles. ...all the way up to this one, which is a pardon for (reads) anything whatsoever, including murder, adultery, or dismemberment of (Edmund reads along) a friend or relative.

Edmund: (reads) "Dear Enemy: I curse you, and hope that something slightly unpleasant happens to you, like an onion falling on your head."
Baldrick: Well, that is the bottom end of the market. They run all the way to this one, for four ducats.
Edmund: (reads) "Dear Enemy: may the Lord hate you and all your kind, may you be turned orange in hue, and may your head fall off at an awkward moment."