Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show

Music: "Knowing Me, Knowing You, there is nothing we can do... knowing me, knowing you...".

Alan:

Ah-haaaa! Thank you, thank you! Welcome! Welcome to "Knowing Me, Knowing You". Now, I have a letter here from a listener, Mr Tim Stringer. It says, "Dear Alan, I love the show, but please could you tell me, is your theme tune, 'Knowing Me, Knowing You', available on record? If so, who's it by? Yours sincerely, Tim Stringer." Well, Tim, "Knowing Me, Knowing You" was originally recorded by the Swedish power-pop combo Abba, err, sadly no longer with us, but err, the version we use, we use instead, use a version of the song recorded by the Jeff Love Orchestra, which I have to say, in my opinion is superior in essence to the actual original. So I hope that answers your question, Tim! My first guest tonight! is, I have to say, The PITS! That's a joke... because... it's a joke with a point... because I met him in the pits at the Monaco Grand Prix, because he is France's second best racing driver! He's sophisticated, he's suave, please give a loud cheer and "cri de coeur" for second best, French racing driver, le tres bon Michel Lambert!

Music: Erasure, "Voulez-vous"

Alan:

Knowing me, knowing you, Ah-haa!

Michel:

Ah-ha..

Alan:

Ah-haa! Or, err, or should I say, "Je sais moi, Alan Partreedge, Je sais toi, Michel Lambert, Oh-ho!"

Michel:

(laughs weakly)

Alan:

Now! You are a celebrity, you're France's second best racing driver, you get interviewed all the time... D'ya get bored of the same old questions...?

Michel:

Yes, that's very true, there's nothing worse than, err, an interviewer who cannot be bothered to find an interesting angle...

Alan:

Yeah, I can imagine. When did you first want to be a racing driver?

Michel:

Yes! Exactly!

Alan:

Yes... yes, exactly WHEN?

Michel:

(quietly) Mon Dieu. (replies) Well, ironically, Alan, I never wanted to be a racing driver, I actually wanted to be a chat show host, like you. But, I turned up to the wrong job interview, and I ended up as a racing driver...

Alan:

That can't be true!

Michel:

No it's not, it's a joke.

Alan:

Of course the famous French sense of humour there... Now, you're nearly at the top of your profession, and, what I want to know is, how do you cope with the pressure?

Michel:

I take a lot of drugs.

Alan:

(whisper) Yeah... Michel, in, in this country drugs are frowned upon, so... better not to mention them...

Michel:

(whisper) I was joking Alan.

Alan:

(whisper) Right. Right. If you joke in future, could you wink at me or something? Just to let me know... they won't notice, it's radio.

Michel:

Fine, okay.

Alan:

Right! What do you think about, when you're racing your car? What do you think about?

Michel:

Surprisingly, err, I think about the race.

Alan:

Right. Um...

Michel:

What do you think about when you're interviewing someone?

Alan:

Well, nothing, umm... But err, do you, when you're driving along, do you ever think, "Oooh, sacre blue! I've forgotten to set the video to record, I don't know, Top Gear..."?

Michel:

What is err... what is "Top Gear"?

Alan:

Oh err, alright then, erm, you've forgotten to tape Cyrano de Bergerac with Gerard Depardue.

Michel:

Depardieu.

Alan:

Depardur.

Michel:

Depardieu.

Alan:

Depardiur.

Michel:

Depardieu.

Alan:

Depardiure.

Michel:

De!

Alan:

De.

Michel:

Par!

Alan:

Par.

Michel:

Dieu!

Alan:

Dieu.

Michel:

Dieu!

Alan:

Dieu.

Michel:

Dieu!

Alan:

Dieu...

Michel:

It's so important, Alan.

Alan:

Right.

Michel:

I think, err, I think what you're trying to ask me is, "Do I ever get distracted when I'm driving?" No I don't.

Alan:

No, no, no, no, I'm quite specifically asking you, do you forget to tape Cyrano de Bergerac with Gerard...

Michel:

Depardieu...

Alan:

Him, yeah!

Michel:

No, I don't ever forget to tape it because I saw it at the cinema when it came out.

Alan:

Right.

Michel:

Have you ever seen this film?

Alan:

Yes. Yes, I did see it...

Michel:

You like it?

Alan:

I'm... not... so keen on it, I mean, I don't like what they did with the idea, they set in in the 17th century, gave him a long nose, maybe it made it a bit funnier... but, but for the British, Bergerac is John Nettles... I... I thought you ruined it really... I'm just glad you haven't got your hands on "Lovejoy"... Probably set it in the future! When, of course, antiques will be even more expensive... Not a bad idea really!

Michel:

And, err... the question is...?

Alan:

The, the question is, yes, um, right. Are you... are you winking at me?

Michel:

No, I was sniffing.

Alan:

Oh right.

Michel:

Because I take drugs.

Alan:

Do you really?!?

Michel:

No, I was winking... See, I managed to sniff and wink at the same time, it's a French trick.

Alan:

(quietly)Very clever... Erm, now, well...

Michel:

I don't mean to be rude, but I think we're, err, we're wasting our time here...

Alan:

Err, well... I'll be the judge of that! If we're wasting anyone's time -- which, I concede, we may be -- then it's the listeners'...

Michel:

Yes, but at least the listeners have the opportunity to turn their radios off...

Alan:

Ah, wrong again! You see, a recent survey reveals most of my listeners are infirm, or...

Michel:

But Alan, they could at least bash the radio with their walking sticks, y'know and escape!

Alan:

No! No! A lot of hospitals have it piped in, they have no control. I've got a list of questions as long as the channel tunnel here and I'll...

Michel:

Well, just get through them...

Alan:

Right, okay. Now, right. What's your favourite colour car?

Michel:

Have another go, Alan.

Alan:

Okay... fair enough... What's your favourite haute cuisine -- hot food?

Michel:

Encore, Alan, encore!

Alan:

There are some bad questions... err... Right, I'll just read through them all, you stop me if you like one.

Michel:

Fine.

Alan:

Right, what's the biggest road you've driven on? What's the furthest you've driven without stopping? No? Err... what's the fastest car you've driven? What's the slowest car you've driven? Thought that'd be quite... bit of a twist on that...

Michel:

Alan, just read the questions, I'll stop you when it's appropriate.

Alan:

Okay, all right... do you own a bicycle? Do Formula One cars use unleaded petrol?

Michel:

No they use leaded petrol.

Alan:

Right, is...

Michel:

No, there's no conversation there.

Alan:

Right, okay. Have you ever driven a lorry? Have you ever driven a tractor? A minibus? A tank? A taxi? A rocket? What's your favourite mode of transport, land, sea, air? When you crashed three years ago, did you ever consider gi...

Michel:

Giving up motor racing for good? No I didn't, next question.

Alan:

No! No, I wasn't going to say that!

Michel:

No you weren't? A more original question!

Alan:

No, I was going to say... Did you ever consider... the scenery?

Michel:

Yes! I did! I looked out of the window and I thought, "Oh! Look at the scenery!"

Alan:

No, I wasn't, wasn't going to say that...

Michel:

No, you weren't... How long more have you got to kill, Alan?

Alan:

(whispers) I've got two minutes.

Michel:

You got any more questions?

Alan:

(whispers) No, I've run out.

Michel:

Now, there is a traditional French custom, we always give our guests, special French smelling salts... so I have some here...

Alan:

Yes...?

Michel:

If you want to take this, put them in your nose and open up this little package here...

Alan:

Well, this is...! Right, this is a... this is a French smelling salt?

Michel:

Yeess... it's a traditional French ritual...

Alan:

What do I do now?

Michel:

Just roll up this ten pound note...

Alan:

It's like the Generation Game this isn't it!

Michel:

Just roll that up so it's kinda like a straw... You see this line here, just sniff that line...

Alan:

Put this, what... what do I do with this?

Michel:

Put it up your nose...

Alan:

Right... you sure?

Michel:

Yeah that's fine... it's good for you, you'll feel really good...

Alan:

You're absolutely... right, what do I do now?

Michel:

Just sniff it up...

Alan:

Through there? Okay...

Michel:

That's good, and the other nostril...

Alan:

Yeah, okay, right...

Michel:

That's good... nice!

Alan:

Well, thank you for that nice ritual!

Michel:

You'll find in about 20 minutes time you'll feel really good and kind of... up...

Alan:

Thanks for the smelling salts! Feeling better already! And, err, now time for me to say to you, Merci beaucoup! Au revoir!

Michel:

Lambert! Applause.

Alan:

Great... what a nice, what a nice man... Now... my next guest! Is a woman who is always popping up, and, popping out if you've seen her chest... She's a friend of the stars, and has a story for everyone! If British industry had half her energy, we wouldn't be in a recession! I'm exaggerating, of course... But please give a round of applause as hopefully I get a kiss and a cuddle from Shirley Dee!

Music: Abba, "Super Trouper, lights are gonna find me but I won't feel blue..."

Shirley:

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! Oh aren't they lovely? What a lovely audience you've got here! Aren't they lovely? Oh I'm so proud to be here, Alan, you are so lovely! In't he gorgeous girls? Put on a bit of weight since I last saw you though!

Alan:

Just a bit! (ha ha)

Shirley:

Sorry darlin', what d'ya wanna ask me?

Alan:

Shh! Now... woooah! Now. Right. Knowing me, A-

Shirley:

You'll have to shut me up cos I will just carry on!

Alan:

Yeah... shh... all right. Knowing me, Alan, knowing you, Shirley Dee, Ah-ha!

Shirley:

Ah-haaaaaaaa! Ooooh! I just love it! It's such a brilliant catchphrase!

Alan:

Right. Yeah. Now.

Shirley:

This is a wonderful programme, darlin'...

Alan:

Yeah... right...

Shirley:

...because it is just wonderful, really.

Alan:

Yeah, right, c'mon, c'mon woooah...

Shirley:

Sorry darlin', I'm goin' on again, aren't I?

Alan:

Yeah, yeah... getting a bit tiresome...

Shirley:

Yeah!

Alan:

Now! Now...

Shirley:

I'll shut up...

Alan:

It's alright, now let me ask you a question...

Shirley:

I wear myself out!

Alan:

Yeah... you can't half talk...

Shirley:

I know! I'm terrible! I mean you should-a known that you should-a been forewarned, because you've seen me in hospitality with that French geezer who's also a bit of a looker ain't he girls? Oh! Wouldn't mind a bit o that one! But errm...

Alan:

He understood your Cockney accent then?

Shirley:

No, we was talkin' in French darlin'!

Alan:

Really?

Shirley:

Yeah, we were havin' a right ol' natter! Marvellous he is!

Alan:

Tu parles francais?

Shirley:

Ooooh! Yeah! I do a bit! So do you by the sound of it!

Alan:

Oui, oui, un peu!

Shirley:

Oh, oui, oui, bien sur evidement je parle francais, je passe mes vacances en France...

Alan:

Ooh... (struggling) Tres bien!

Shirley:

Mais, bien sur un homme sophistique comme toi, Alan, tu connais la France super bien...

Alan:

Oui, oui, tres bien!

Shirley:

You gotta watch me though seriously, Alan, because I will take over! I mean, I really will... in a coupla weeks time this will be "Knowing Me, Knowing You, with Shirley Dee", y'know...

Alan:

Ha, ha, ha, ha! No no no no no, that's not going to happen. Erm... now, you, let's not beat about the bush... You are 52.

Shirley:

I'm nearly 53, darlin'.

Alan:

Yeah. But you've still got an eye for the fellas!

Shirley:

I certainly have! And not just an eye an' all!

Alan:

Right. And, err, presumably now, of course, the added bonus of not having to worry about getting pregnant?

Shirley:

Yeah... That is, that is so... yeah, it's true...

Alan:

Right.

Shirley:

He comes out with 'em don't he, eh?

Alan:

Yeah, right, now... (sniffs)

Shirley:

You're coming down with a bit of a cold, darlin', aint'cha?

Alan:

Yeah, it's alright. I took some smelling salts before... Now, the thing about you is, you're very difficult to categorise, because, one minute you'll be on "Celebrity Squares", and the next day you're on "Give us a Clue".

Shirley:

That's right, yeah.

Alan:

You see what I mean?

Shirley:

That is my favourite, actually.

Alan:

And then suddenly, you'll turn up on "Blankety Blank", so... Now! The great thing at the moment is that they're, they, they are making a film...

Shirley:

Yeah! About me, darlin'.

Alan:

About you, set in the 60s.

Shirley:

Yeah, I know...!

Alan:

It's called, "Our Shirley".

Shirley:

I know... I'm ever so proud.

Alan:

And it's about all the people you knew...

Shirley:

Yeah that's right, it's about the East End...

Alan:

All those... in the 60s...

Shirley:

In the 60s, yeah...

Alan:

Right.

Shirley:

And I'm in the film, but I'm not playing myself in it which is even more interestin'.

Alan:

No... Helena Bonham Carter is playing you?

Shirley:

Yeah... the young me, yeah!

Alan:

That's right...

Shirley:

Which I thought was ever so weird when I heard about it.

Alan:

Yeah -- she wanted to get away from playing the sort of flowery types...

Shirley:

Yeah...

Alan:

And play someone a bit rougher... erm...

Shirley:

She's ever so good, darlin', she's marvellous!

Alan:

And, of course, Tom Bell, is in the film...

Shirley:

Plays me Uncle Dennis.

Alan:

Yes. Very good at playing those shady... types.

Shirley:

Well, what Tom Bell has got is the warmth, the magic of my Uncle Dennis. This wonderful, kind, lovely, nice, nice! man...

Alan:

Well you see...

Shirley:

It's so exciting for me, darlin'.

Alan:

Yeah, I know... you, now you say "nice", but your Uncle Dennis did commit murder... Served his sentence.

Shirley:

Yes, he did, I mean he was in with a dodgy crowd, it was the East End, y'know, to me he was lovely...

Alan:

Right, ok, now, well, well with that in mind, I have here a pathologist's report on...

Shirley:

Oh come on darlin', he has been tried, he's served his time...

Alan:

I know, I know... it's a 40 page report condensed into err, this, this paragraph here, and it's by Home Office Pathologist and it says: "Re: Mickey Rowlands", the victim... "The victim was subjected to what I can only describe as a barbaric and frenzied attack. He incurred multiple fractures to the ribs and skull and sustained massive internal injuries due to multiple stab wounds. It was a combination of organ malfunctions and loss of blood which led to death from heart failure. The victim's disfigurement was such that identification was only possible with reference to dental records..." Now, there's nice, and there's nice, and there's Uncle Dennis.

Shirley:

You know... he did a bad thing, a very bad thing, and he...

Alan:

"Identification only possible..."

Shirley:

Yes, I know, Alan!

Alan:

"...with reference to dental records."

Shirley:

He went to prison, he served his time and he regrets it.

Alan:

"Massive internal injuries..."

Shirley:

And now he's... don't go on Alan... he's a reformed man.

Alan:

"Organ malfunctions...?"

Shirley:

Yeah, I know! It was a terrible thing, it was a terrible case!

Alan:

"Barbaric..."

Shirley:

Everybody knows the details, it was famous at the time.

Alan:

"...frenzied attack..."

Shirley:

You know, it's over, darlin'. You can't live in the past, really I'm not defending him, but you know...

Alan:

Okay... alright.

Shirley:

You gotta carry on livin'.

Alan:

(quietly) "Organ malfunctions..." Now! But err, you're not in contact with him anymore, which is...

Shirley:

Yes I am darlin'.

Alan:

Really?

Shirley:

'Course I am, I mean he was like a father to me. I go and see him every Christmas -- he lives on the Costa -- we go, we spend Christmas with him -- it's marvellous!

Alan:

Right, and he follows everything you do? He watches...

Shirley:

Yeah! He watches everything I'm on on telly, all the programmes, he listens to everything -- he'll be listening, hello Uncle Dennis! He'll be listening now, this goes out on the World Service doesn't it?

Alan:

He'll be listening to this?!?

Shirley:

Yeah! 'Course he will -- he never misses a trick! He doesn't...

Alan:

He... he doesn't run that boxers' club anymore though?

Shirley:

Yeah! You know about that do you?

Alan:

Really? Oh...

Shirley:

Yes he does... boys' club on the Costa. Those boys -- he drags them up from nothing, they would do anything for him... they'd go to the ends of the earth... it's marvellous really.

Alan:

Really?

Shirley:

It's really sort of warming to see.

Alan:

Umm... he will realise -- if he's listening -- he will realise that that was... just a joke, reading that pathologists report. If he's listening, I'll address him directly, erm...

Shirley:

Alan, there's no need it was just a little joke!

Alan:

No! Wait... no! Dennis! If you're listening...

Shirley:

Alan!

Alan:

Shhhh! I have to say this... Dennis, it was, erm, it was just a joke, I'll probably edit it out, don't... it's no reflection on you... I realise it was a long time ago, and... things in the past should be dead and buried...erm... I, I... unfortunate phrase there... err, but I...

Shirley:

Alan, just leave it!

Alan:

Wait, no! I've got to say this... y'know, it was a long time ago, you, it was, you lost your temper, you murdered a man, it, it, it, it... by all accounts, he was a rather unsavoury character...and, y'know, the world's probably a better place without him... um, and, and in a way, thank you... for err, for bringing him to the final court of justice. Erm, so... once more... er, Uncle Dennis, thank you for stabbing him to death, and thank you Shirley Dee for being my guest! Shirley Dee! (Applause)

Alan:

We're gonna change the tone a bit now... "It's cold... it's damp, it's dark, I want to go home, I want to be in a warm bed, but I can't because I'm chained to a radiator in a cell." Of course, I'm not... my next guest was because he was a hostage for two years in Liberia in the civil war. Don't expect him to be too perky, he was only released six months ago, and... he's still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder! Please welcome, Chris Lester!

Music: Abba, "So when you need me darling can't you hear me, SOS..."

Alan:

Knowing me,

Alan:

Partridge, knowing you, Chris Lester, Ah-haa!

Chris:

Ah-ha!

Alan:

Right. Erm, thank you for being my hostage today... I assure you, I, I won't be keeping you for longer than 10 minutes. Right, now, you were confined, you were confined for two years...

Chris:

Two years, that's right.

Alan:

Now, how long is that, exactly?

Chris:

Err... well... it... yeah, it's a long time when you, when you don't know when it's going to end, I mean it's a long time out of anyone's life.

Alan:

Right... yeah... I mean, let's sort of break it down... it's a hundred weeks... it's... Both Eighteen thousand... ...hours. Eighteen thousand episodes of "The Darling Buds of May", if you like... erm... or, in another way, thirty-six thousand episodes of "Knowing Me, Knowing You"... it sounds like torture. Was it? Was it torture?

Chris:

Err... well, obviously psychologically, erm, I mean we weren't... we were just, we were just political pawns, you see.

Alan:

Pawns in a game of... cruel chess!

Chris:

Yeah...

Alan:

Who were the bishops?

Chris:

Yeah. I don't think the metaphor stretches really.

Alan:

Okay. Alright. Now, how, how... a question I'm sure everyone wants to know is, how do you relieve the boredom?

Chris:

Yeah, um... well you have to keep yourself erm, mentally active all the time, because you can't be active physically, so you invent games, you play games, erm, for example, "Shopping"... I don't know if you know the shopping game, where you say...

Alan:

No...

Chris:

"I went shopping and I bought an apple." And then, "I went shopping and I bought an apple and a banana." You see -- A-B... "I went shopping and I bought an apple and a banana and," something beginning with C, a cucumber or a carrot...

Alan:

Cake!

Chris:

Cake...

Alan:

Or coat! Or err, err...

Chris:

Coat, yeah, it could be anything beginning with C... and you have to...

Alan:

Or cheese!

Chris:

Yeah...

Alan:

It's not got a "ker" sound but it, it counts!

Chris:

Cheese is fine... apple, banana, cheese...

Alan:

So... D... D... err...

Chris:

Are we going up to Z on this are we?

Alan:

No, no, no... it's not a good idea to... go to... to Z... Zebra! Whilst you were there, what I want to know is, there must have been some... funny incidents. There must have been... something funny must have happened.

Chris:

Well... no, no not re... I mean you've got to imagine the situation... you're in the cell virtually for 24 hours a day.

Alan:

I know...

Chris:

No exercise...

Alan:

I know it was depressing, I just don't want to dwell on that. I really don't want to... it, it's...

Chris:

I really can't...

Alan:

I not asking for that, look, I'm just saying will you do something amusing? Can you tell us an amusing story? C'mon!

Chris:

Erm. Well. After about six months, erm, in prison, I found, erm, scuttering across the floor a little beetle, and I called it Hope, erm, and after about six months, erm, I fell asleep and the matchbox was open and Hope escaped, but... in a way I wasn't sad because Hope had escaped and I felt that pre-figured in a way my own escape, which indeed it did, because I escaped 12 months later...

Alan:

Erm... and you're absolutely sure that's the funniest thing...? Look. Listen, if you can remember anything, please, this is very important...

Chris:

Well, I can guarantee...

Alan:

If you can remember anything funny in the rest of the interview just cut straight in with it.

Chris:

Ok. Right. Fine...

Alan:

(whispers) D'you know... and if you want... erm... you can make something up, it doesn't really matter... in fact... if you want to get one of the researchers to get, "Frank Muir's Book of Anecdotes", just dress it up, change the location but it doesn't matter, and err, I just want you to get the audience on your side... because, err, I've got to say, at the moment, you're coming across as a bit of a sour-puss... I don't want the punters to think you're a bad egg, I know you're not.

Chris:

I don't think you're quite understanding the situation, you have to make do with what you have in those sort of situations... You don't have much of a choice, really.

Alan:

Well! I mean you did have a choice, this is what you've not told the audience! That for two years, you were chained to another human being!

Chris:

Phil?

Alan:

Phil! You had a choice between talking to, a human being, on one hand, and a dung-beetle on the other!

Chris:

Yeah, not a dung-beetle, an elm-beetle.

Alan:

Yeah, whatever, they're all stupid! Now, err, I think it's about time we had a surprise... a surprise for you! Yes! He was chained to you for two years! You've not seen him for six months! He impressed us all with his good humour and positive attitude when he was released... please applaud loudly and freely for Chris' comrade in chains, Phil Collins!

Music: Phil Collins, "I can feel it coming in the air tonight... oh Lord... And I've been waiting for this moment..."

Alan:

Knowing me, knowing you, ah-haa!

Phil:

Arrr-haaaa!

Alan:

Now, before we go any further, get it cleared up straight away, you're not the real Phil Collins...

Phil:

That's right, no, no, I'm not the bald guy in Genesis...

Alan:

Nah, it's just, just got the same name...

Phil:

That's right.

Alan:

Now, you were incarcerated... for two years... erm, just to recap on the maths of that, it's, it's as I say, err, thirty-six thousand episodes of "Knowing Me, Knowing You"...

Phil:

Yup...

Alan:

Eighteen thousand episodes of "The Darling Buds of May", and, err, actually, another way of looking at it, it's nine thousand episodes of "Inspector Morse"! It's not so bad when you look at it like that, is it?

Phil:

Ha! Yeah, I wish we'd had a video! He he he!

Alan:

Now, erm, the first time I decided to have you on the show...

Phil:

I don't like the sound of that, Alan! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Alan:

Great! It's great! Like that! Funny! Now, the first time I decided was at the press conference when you were released...

Phil:

Yeah...

Alan:

Because... erm, it was a very momentous occasion, it was televised all around the world... Chris, you came on a gave a very harrowing account of your experience, and then! You came on Phil, and you were hilarious! You really were!

Phil:

I have a very positive view of everything, I always try to keep positive, like yourself, Alan...

Alan:

Absolutely.

Phil:

So, on the day, when it was time for me to speak, I stood at the desk, and err, I picked up this big ball and chain, plonked it on top of the desk, and said, "Phew! Glad to see the last of that!"

Alan:

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Phil:

And ripped off the chain and ball, cos it was made of polystyrene! And err...

Alan:

Ha ha ha! That...

Phil:

And everyone fell about!

Alan:

They were big laughs, when you did that!

Phil:

Yeah, then, if you remember, I stood on the desk, and I sort of shook all this sand out of my pockets, like I'd just escaped from Colditz! Like in the film...

Alan:

Yeah, that didn't go down so well... Now, but the great thing about you is, you've got your book out...

Phil:

That's right!

Alan:

I've read it, it's brilliant, it's dynamite! It really is! It's called, "Hostage", erm...

Phil:

Exclamation mark! Don't forget that!

Alan:

That's right...

Phil:

And then it's got my name, " Phil Collins" in big gold-embossed letters, and then in brackets underneath it, "not in Genesis..." Just so people know, it's clear.

Alan:

Right, okay. Now, erm, read an extract out!

Phil:

Yeah, I've got an extract here, prepared...

Alan:

Really cookin'!

Phil:

Just so people understand what the plot is, basically it's, it's based on me and err, Chris, in the cell, but I've kinda changed it a bit... "It was morning... early... six. Paul Carter snapped awake instantly. Alert, ready. Les Christopher lay on his side, his thumb in his mouth, sucking like a baby."

Alan:

Yeah!

Phil:

"Carter rose from his bunk. His feet felt the hard cold stone grey floor. Feet that had trod every troublespot in the world. Feet that had tasted a touch of danger. Feet that had seen too much."

Alan:

Brilliant!

Phil:

"A black beetle scuttled across the floor. Instinctively, Carter crushed it with his heel. It shattered with a satisfying crunch. Carter smiled..."

Chris:

Can you... Excuse me, Phil, one moment... was that my beetle?

Phil:

It's fiction!

Chris:

Did that happen? Did you crush my beetle? Is that what happened to my beetle?

Alan:

Oh! Oh! Uh-oh! Oh! Oh!

Phil:

Chris! It was six months ago! It was an accident!

Chris:

You... it was an accident?!?

Phil:

I didn't crush it on purpose!

Alan:

Hang on!

Phil:

I woke up one morning, your beetle was scurrying...

Chris:

I cannot be... another thing you have done...

Alan:

Look!

Phil:

I mean if you weren't so busy walking around... just because your book's not selling, Chris!

Alan:

Please! Oi! Hey! Stop, everyone! Are you staring at me?

Phil:

No...

Alan:

Err... the thing is... I want to point out that Hope was crushed but it was Hope the cockroach, not hope the, the ideal. Hope, ho... ho... hope the... the... the... what are they laughing at? No...

Phil:

Alan, are you alright?

Alan:

Yeah, I'm fine! Erm, you didn't crush a beetle? You didn't crush John Lennon -- he's a beetle, didn't crush him. He's... that would have been bad he's already... dead. Paul McCartney's still alive he's doing... with Linda...

Phil:

Are you sure you're alright?

Alan:

...McCartney, she's doing the vegetarian dishes... microwave dishes, erm, vitamin deficiency, erm, and I'm... I'm... I'm... I'm really hungry, actually! I'm really hungry! Have you got any corn flakes? No? With sugar...

Phil:

No...

Alan:

I'm just... I just like frozen food. I like going home, and get the frozen food and cook it... and it's really nice... put it in a bowl and eat it, right and I put the video on and I've got... err... TV! And err it's the biggest TV you can get...

Phil:

Alan, have you taken something?

Alan:

Six feet across! TV... and it's like a big eye, in the room and it sort of stares at me! It scares me! I don't like it!

Phil:

Alan!

Alan:

I don't like it! I'm not going home tonight!

Phil:

Alan!

Alan:

What? What?

Phil:

I think you've taken some drugs.

Alan:

I've taken drugs!

Phil:

Yes.

Alan:

I, I, I have taken... on that bombshell! I, Alan Partridge have taken drugs... Chris Lester! Chris Lester, Phil Collins, Phil Collins, the famous one, er, Shirley Big-tits, er, the Frog! Er, the writers and researchers -- Steve Coogan, Patrick Marber, Rebecca Front, David Schneider, Doon McKichan, produced by Armando Ianucci, see, see, er, next week! Er, right yeah!

Music: Abba -- "Knowing me, knowing you is the best I can do..."