Knowing Me, Knowing You: Radio Show 1

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Music: "Knowing Me, Knowing You".

Alan: Ah-haa. ah-haa. No please, please shh. Welcome to "Knowing Me, Knowing You". Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, the you, the audience, er, here in the studio, or you, the you, the listener at home, in the car, or somewhere else, but, with a radio. Those of you who know me from the world of sport will know that I like having a bit of a chat with brawny men on the rugby field and, er, having a bit of a chat with the soft fair waif-like moist creatures who you find in ladies' sports, er. Please, don't write in saying that's, saying that's sexist -- er, it's not. So, er, what better place, to er, continue that chat than here on a chat show, my show,my own show? My first guest: he's one of the world's great heavyweights, not in the boxing sense, he's 67, huh, but intellectually speaking. He's a novelist. His new novel, "The Soul Of Time", weighs in at nearly 8 pounds, 950,000 words of thick dense type, all telling the story about, well... let's get the potted version from the man of letters himself. Dip thy quill and clappeth loud for Britain's greatest living novelist Lawrence Camley.

Music: "Knowing Me, Knowing You".

Alan: Knowing me, Alan Partridge, knowing you, Lawrence Camley ah-haa. Welcome.
Lawrence: Ah-ha.
Alan: Glad to have you on the show. Now, I've got to say, first reaction to your book -- don't drop it on me foot!
Lawrence: Yes, it is, er, it is a heavy book. But if I may be so bold there are, er, of course certain literary precedents. One thinks of Proust's "A La Recherche De Temp Perdu", Dante's "Divina Comedia", Chaucer's "Canterbury Tales", which I'm reliably informed could cripple one, huh, er. Maybe that's what happened to Lord Byron?
Alan: Why, what, what happened to him?
Lawrence: He, he had a clubbed foot.
Alan: Right. Um, "The Soul Of Time", that's the name of your book. Sounds a bit deep, is it?
Lawrence: Well, it's, it is a serious novel. I, I deal with the great, er, contemporary themes. But, er, I like to think there are one or two jokes in it.
Alan: Oh great. Go on, tell us a joke. We like to start the show with a joke. It's always great to get it off on...
Lawrence: I see I've got myself in sticky, sticky mud already. They're not, they're not jokes in the traditional Knock-Knock sense, they're more, er, comic vignettes woven into the general fabric and architecture of the novel.
Alan: It's more funny-peculiar than funny-ha-ha then, isn't it? What I want to ask you is, and this a question I've been dying to ask you, if you were stuck in a lift, what, what one book would you have with you?
Lawrence: Well, I would actually choose for sheer bloody-minded entertainment value, I would be stuck in a lift with "The Hound Of The Baskervilles".
Alan: I don't believe it, Sherlock Holmes. Now you're making sense. I am his Number One fan. I've read all his books.
Lawrence: Yes, I've read them.
Alan: I've read all of them. Have you read all of them?
Lawrence: Probably not all of them.
Alan: I've read all of them. Read all of them. I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he, er, a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. 'Cause, not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That, that's why I admire him.
Lawrence: Yes. I've always thought it was a shame that Conan Doyle had to kill him off.
Alan: No, I think you'll find it was Moriarty that killed him.
Lawrence: Yes, I know, but ultimately of course it was Conan Doyle.
Alan: No, it was Moriary, it was definitely...
Lawrence: Yes, I know, in the books it was Moriarty, but of course the ultimate responsibility was Conan Doyle's.
Alan: Yep, hang on. As far as I know, Moriarty acted alone. Or did he? This is interesting. You, you think that there was some sort of conspiracy involving this shadowy Doyle figure? All right, OK, fair enough. Who solved all the cases?
Lawrence: Sherlock Holmes.
Alan: Exactly.
Lawrence: Yes, but, the cases were fictional too, it's all make-believe.
Alan: All right. Who lived on Baker Street?
Lawrence: I don't know.
Alan: Moriarty?
Lawrence: No!
Alan: Did the, did the Doyle live there?
Lawrence: The Doyle, the Dail is the Irish Parliament.
Alan: The Irish Parliament! This conspiracy's getting bigger. You can't trust anyone these days. You've got the Doyle, Moriarty, the Irish Parliament, it's... On that bombshell, I think we'll move on.
Lawrence: No, no, no. I'm sorry Alan, I, I, I'd like to let this go, but, hah, I really can't. Sherlock Holmes did not exist.
Alan: He did.
Lawrence: Look. If he had existed, how would he have be able to describe in intimate detail the circumstances of his own death?
Alan: Um. The Nobel Prize for Literature. You never won it. What went wrong?
Lawrence: Ha, you are an extraordinary man, Mr Partridge. I am an artist and I don't write for prizes or acknowledgement. I write to satisfy my muse.
Alan: It's a big fish. Your net's full of holes.
Lawrence: All nets are full of holes.
Alan: Granted, granted. But your, your holes are too big to catch the Nobel Peace Prize fish of Literature. This, this cleverness thing. It real... I want to get to the bottom of this. Being clever. Do you know what? I reckon that we could ask you any question and you'd know the answer.
Lawrence: I am, I am not a puppet.
Alan: Anything. Let's just try that. I reckon that if we went to the audience, got them to ask you a question you'd know the answer.
Lawrence: I will not take part in this ridiculous charade.
Alan: He's a bit modest. I'm just going into the audience here. What question do you want to ask?
Audience Member: What is the capital of Kenya?
Alan: Good question. What's the capital of Kenya, do you know the answer?
Lawrence: I have already told you, I refuse to participate in this ridiculous charade.
Alan: Fair enough, but it's not the answer. What's the capital? Come on, do you know?
Lawrence: I know the answer.
Alan: You don't... He doesn't know.
Lawrence: I do know the answer.
Alan: He doesn't know.
Lawrence: I do know the answer.
Alan: What's the answer?
Lawrence: It's bloody Nairobi.
Alan: Well done. That's really fantastic. Once more, there he is. Do you know he could get a lot of work on the conference circuit doing clever stuff like that? Listen. That's all we've got time for.
Lawrence: Yes.
Alan: Got another question about your dog here, but there's no time for that.
Lawrence: No, no time.
Alan: So, another big round of applause for Lawrence Camley, a clever man.

Applause.

Alan: Now, my next guest is a woman who first stamped her feet with the Women's Movement 18 years ago. Her book, "Livid Doll", was read by angry, angry and irritable women alike. Since then, she's written for journals as varied as "Women's Own" and "The Radio Times". And, now she hosts the hugely popular therapy show "Problem People" on cable TV. Please welcome the intelligent, and not unattractive, Ally Tennant.

Music: "Dancing Queen".

Alan: Hello Ally, I've just come out to meet you here. Um, for the listeners. Now listen. You've got something very special for us today, haven't you?
Ally: I've actually got 2 very special people with me. They are Linda and Peter.
Alan: Hi, Linda and Peter.
Ally: And they're 2 people who are currently working with me on my therapy show "Problem People" on cable TV.
Alan: Right. So these are 2 of the disturbed people that you...
Ally: No, no, no. They are not, it's very important, they're not disturbed people. They're normal people with normal problems.
Alan: Right, um, so if anyone's concerned, these 2 -- just, bit harmless. Right. OK. Right. So, um, what are you going to do with them?
Ally: Well, I'm going to do just a brief demonstration of the kind of therapy that we work on.
Alan: Good. You got your plug in there. I'll leave it in your capable hands. Ally Tennant and the 2 disturbed people.
Ally: OK. Hello Linda.
Linda: Hello.
Ally: Hello Peter.
Peter: Hi.
Ally: Um, now we've been working together, um, on my 3 point therapy plan, and I'll just run through that very quickly. The 3 points are: the birthing of the emotions, the dialoguing about those emotions, and finally, pledging, towards a better future. So, let's begin with birthing. Linda, would you like to birth your emotions, please?
Linda: Yeah. Um. Anger, frustration, jealousy, loathing, bitterness, um, deep resentment and, um, hate.
Ally: Bit, bit of inner turmoil.
Linda: Yeah, inner turmoil, yeah. Inner turmoil, yeah.
Ally: Thank you very much, and well done. Peter, would you birth your emotions, please?
Peter: Yes. The same really, um, but no loathing.
Ally: Thank you Peter, and well done. Phase three, Linda. Sex with Peter.
Linda: Well, I mean, it's obvious isn't it? I mean, it's just not happening. I mean it hasn't been happening for a very long time.
Ally: Well done. Peter. Sex with Linda.
Peter: Well, it's not happening for me either, is it?
Linda: Well, I mean, that's 'cause you're never there.
Peter: What do you mean -- I'm never there? I sleep in the bed with you.
Linda: Can I just say something? That he comes, that he often comes back smelling of dog.
Peter: Oh come on. Don't start with the dog again. Every time...
Ally: OK. End of dialogue. Very good. Well done. We've reached pledging time. Um.
Alan: (offstage) You've got about a minute.
Ally: OK. Thankyou. All right. Um, Peter, we're going to start with your pledge. I'd like you to say in front of all these people here and all the people who are listening at home -- that's about 13 million people routing for you. OK. I want you to say: I pledge to spend more time with Linda, and more time with baby Sam.
Peter: Samuel.
Ally: Whatever, OK, and that is my pledge. Will you say that now please?
Peter: Yep, um, I pledge to spend more time with Linda and with Samuel.
Ally: And that is my pledge.
Peter: That is my pledge.
Ally: Well done, Peter, well done. Marvellous. Well done. OK, we're nearly at a resolve. Um, Linda, it's your turn to pledge. I want you to pledge now: I pledge to spend more time with myself, and to take a lover to ease my frustrations.
Peter: Hold on... hold on a moment.
Linda: No, we're not dialoguing.
Peter: No I don't think...
Ally: Peter.
Linda: I pledge to spend more time with myself and to take a lover to ease my frustration.
Ally: And this is my pledge.
Linda: This is my pledge.
Ally: Well done, Linda. That's marvellous. Well done. Well done, Linda, that's brilliant.
Alan: Great stuff. Hang on. I'm just coming over to meet them now. That was absolutely fabulous. Thanks you two for doing your pledging and stuff. I hope you're not so disturbed any more. Let's, er, say goodbye to you and hello to Ally Tennant. Please, come and take a seat. Come and sit down. Just, sit there. Right, sit down. Now, now. Ally. Was that good therapy or barmy old cack?
Ally: I'll leave it for you to decide really. I mean, your audience saw it work. So, um...
Alan: Right, and you've got a pretty successful success rate.
Ally: Very successful. There are people queuing up for the cable TV show which I think is incredibly brave.
Alan: Absolutely fantastic. Well, I've got a, let me give you a little problem.
Ally: Um-hum.
Alan: Let's, let's say, take a hypothetical situation, you've got a bloke in his mid-30s, got a good job, maybe in the papers, maybe in the media, who knows, and he's got a problem at home with his wife. He's doing quite well. He's got a nice house, nice furniture, World of Leather sofa. Nice car, electric windows, power steering.
Ally: OK, yeah.
Alan: Central locking. Now he thinks, he's not quite sure, but he thinks his wife's having an affair. Where's the problem?
Ally: With him, with him.
Alan: Right.
Ally: Frankly, he's clearly paying too much attention to his material possessions. I mean, God help us, his World of Leather sofa, even.
Alan: They're, they're actually quite comfortable sofas.
Ally: Well, whatever, but you see the point? The point you were obviously trying to make.
Alan: Yes. It's just an example.
Ally: And I don't blame her. I really don't blame her.
Alan: You say it's all his fault, but let's try and paint the picture more clearly. Um, let's say she never talks to him. She's always going out to fitness twice a day, every day. Why, why does she do it?
Ally: Well. In the dialoguing phase, what we do is we'd explore why she's going out quite that frequently, and, as you saw there, we give equal weight to each partner, so, so what would happen is that she would say: "I resent you spending all your time waxing your car, whatever."
Alan: Yeah, yeah.
Ally: He'd say: "I resent you going out to fitness three times a day."
Alan: Fair enough. But if this man's in the media his car's got to look good. If he's got a...
Ally: Well, I mean, the car is obviously just an example.
Alan: But if the car was maroon, say, that looks terrible when it's dirty.
Ally: Well, yeah, but I mean we're sort of...
Alan: As an example.
Ally: We're sort of, we're getting off the point, Alan, um.
Alan: It's just an example.
Ally: I mean that really is the basic point. We need to just air those problems as we did there.
Alan: Right. Now, tell me about sex. I mean...
Ally: Well, of course, 99% of the problems that I deal with are sexually-related. Clearly that's the case even if they don't appear to be on the surface.
Alan: So, sort it out downstairs then sort it out upstairs. To crystalise it.
Ally: That's a way of putting it, yeah.
Alan: Right, fine.
Ally: Right. Um, if the woman in question is frequently denying sex, then clearly there's an emotion behind that and that emotion is anger. And clearly there's an emotion coming from the man, and that emotion is fear of castration.
Alan: No. No it's not. It's not that, no.
Ally: No, that's, I mean that's a very, again it's an extreme way of putting it, but it's basically impotence. Fear of impotence, fear of castration.
Alan: No it's not. Now, let's, let's move on. Er, you've said your stuff, you've got a leaflet, got the helpline, pens, all that. Now, I say, I'm normal, me, Alan Partridge, normal.
Ally: Good, good.
Alan: You, you Ally Tennant. Bit strange. I read, I read in, er, I read a bit in your book that was highlighted in yellow by a researcher for me that, er, you're quite, you're quite into female orgasms. You like them, don't you?
Ally: (laughs) Well, don't you?
Alan: Yes. But, but, but, I mean, I, I'm quite curious as a man. What...
Ally: Good.
Alan: What, the female orgasm. What is it? I mean, I don't mean what, I don't I don't mean what is it, I don't mean what what, I mean how, how does it manifest itself, when you hear, when when it's how, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it, what is it?
Ally: What's a female orgasm?
Alan: Yes.
Ally: Um. It's a very good question actually, and the answer that I would give you is: What's a male orgasm? Describe what happens when you achieve an orgasm.
Alan: No.
Ally: No, I'm serious, honestly, really.
Alan: No, I don't think so. No, no.
Ally: 'Cause it's really important. Just describe the process.
Alan: No. Uh, no. OK.
Ally: No, there's no comparison.
Alan: OK, let's leave it there. It's over. Leave it. A great lady or a mad old trout, you decide -- Ally Harris.
Ally: Ally Tennant.
Alan: Ally Tennant. Ally Tennant. Sorry, er, sorry Ally for getting your name wrong at the end. Ally Tennant not Ally Harris, getting names confused there, but, er, hadn't heard of you before tonight. Now, um, let's move on. What I want you to do, by the way, is just go and move over to the other comfy chair.
Ally: Fine, OK.
Alan: Um, I'm going to bring on my next guest. What I want you to do is obviously keep quiet for a bit, um, and then when I've got going, chatting to my next guest, please feel free to chip in.
Alan: Now, my next guest is a man who first made his name back in the 60s. He was voted Carnaby Street's "Mister Boutique" of 1969. He knew all the pop stars. He was at all the parties. Whenever David Bailey was seen with a beautiful woman, you can bet that my next guest had been there first. These days, his retail empire is enormous. No High Street is complete without its branch of "Wishing Wells", and I wish him well. Super green, super sexy, eco-friendly and bloomin' rich, here he is, Adam Wells.

Music: "Money, Money, Money" (instrumental).

Alan: (laughing) The end of his mike's come off there. Adam Wells, welcome to the show.
Adam: Cheers, cheers. It's a plesh.
Alan: Money... money, money, money, must be funny in a rich man's world. Now, you're here to launch your new drink, your new vegetable drink.
Adam: Vegina.
Alan: Vegina. It's, er, made from vegetables, it's a fizzy vegetable drink.
Adam: A fizzy vegetable drink in an edible can.
Alan: That's fantastic. Now...
Adam: It's gonna be in the shops from next week, go out kids and buy millions.
Alan: All right.
Adam: Buy them in buckets.
Alan: Shh. Er, right. Now, back in the 60s. That's when it all happened. Everyone was partying. All night long, all day long. Wasn't it, wasn't it a great time? What was it all about, the 60s?
Adam: It was great...
Alan: Those parties...
Adam: Ally and I knew each other then, of course.
Alan: Did you?
Ally: Oh, very well, yes.
Adam: We didn't notice you at any of the parties, Alan.
Alan: Now, well I was, my 60s were in Norwich, really, it was... We kind of called it Naughty Norwich. We had a great time, just partying all day long, all night long. I remember, er, during one summer we just, hot summer, for about three weeks, we just had barbecues non-stop, all day long. Amazing.
Ally: Sounds incredible.
Alan: Crazy.
Adam: It sounds fabulous.
Alan: Yeah. Suppose you were having orgies, were you?
Adam: (laughing) I was actually. Well, I mean, we all were.
Ally: It was the thing to do.
Alan: Did you go? You went to an orgy?
Ally: I went to many, yes, yes.
Alan: How, how?
Adam: They were mixed.
Alan: How, how do you start, how did you, how did you have an orgy then? What did you do?
Ally: It's fairly self-explanatory.
Adam: Come on. It was 25 years ago. I can't remember the actual mechanics...
Alan: You must be able to. Try and remember.
Adam: ...blow-by-blow.
Alan: Try and remember.
Adam: I can't remember.
Alan: Try and remember! Did you, did you, did you, did you ever, ever see, er, what, did you ever see two girls kissing?
Adam: Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. It was very free and easy.
Alan: Did you ever, did you ever kiss a bloke?
Adam: No!
Alan: Well, anyway, before you made your name with your vegi-shoes, you had a hit with your first wife, Eve.
Adam: Yeah.
Alan: Adam and Eve, with that novelty hit.
Adam: Yeah, I don't, I don't...
Alan: Remember what it was called?
Adam: Oh yeah: "The Smiling Bicycle Of Amsterdam".
Alan: "The Smiling Bicycle Of Amsterdam". Well, we've got a bit of a surprise for you because we are going to play that...
Adam: Oh, no...
Alan: ...record that reached Number...
Adam: ...don't embarrass me...
Alan: 23 in the charts...
Adam: ...oh, no.
Alan: 24 years ago. Let's hear it.
Adam: I haven't heard it for years.
Alan: Listen to this.
Music: "Oh, don't take a bus."
"Don't take a tram."
"You're my girl and happy I am."
"You're my babe, it's a real wham-bam."
"On the smiling bicycle of Amsterdam."
"All aboard."
"Tickets please."
"Room for one more pixie."
Alan: Fantastic. Well, give a round of applause.

Applause.

Adam: Oh God.
Ally: Certainly, er...
Adam: That was just so...
Ally: Certainly brings back memories.
Adam: You are, you are, you are a naughty man. That is just so embarrassing.
Alan: Yeah...
Adam: So embarrassing.
Alan: I know, but please, let me just say thanks once again for bringing that copy in. We couldn't find it anywhere. Thanks a lot for that. Now, um, now, the, er, that was, that was then, this is now.
Adam: Is it?
Alan: Now, yes, shh. Now, "Wishing Wells", there's a "Wishing Well" on every street. Adam Wells' shop "Wishing Wells" -- nice link with your name there. On every street. What's the concept behind it, because it's a very different from normal shops, isn't it?
Adam: That's right.
Alan: It's very sort of different.
Adam: It is very different. I invented the slogan for "Wishing Wells" back in '71, er, at the time I had a boutique on the Kings Road called "Flair" and, er, in '71 I thought: Now I'm going to branch out and I came out with the slogan which was "No tree has died. No child has cried. To make the product that you have buyed."
Alan: Fantastic.
Adam: And that slogan, that ethos, still holds true today. The, the whole thing about the shop was that we, we wanted to like, sell cheap ethnic clobber to the masses, but made in Britain.
Alan: Right. So they can buy it and not feel guilty.
Adam: That's right.
Alan: I don't go in there so often. I'm more a kind of Argos, World of Leather Man myself. Now...
Adam: You like, you like sitting on a dead cow at home, do you?
Alan: As long as they've, er, cut the head off. (laughs) That'd get in the way, be flopping about, yeah. Now, I'll tell you what else I bought, I bought, I bought one of those African masks.
Adam: Oh, they're terrific.
Alan: Tremendous. I, I, it was quite a, a, a, a, it was last Halloween. I had a bit of a joke with it. You'll, like this, er, er, Ally. Um, the, the, my two, my son and daughter had come home late. They'd been out clubbing with their friends and, er, Denise and Fernando came in, and, er, they, they walked into the living room with their friends. I think they wanted to watch a video or something and I hid behind the curtains, with the African mask on...
Adam: Oh no...
Alan: And when they came in and turned the lights on, I jumped out and said: "Buga, Buga, Luga, I'm a big cannibal. I'm going to boil you in a pot and eat you."
Adam: (laughing) I bet they loved that.
Alan: No, they found it very offensive. They said it was racist. Said it was racist.
Adam: Yeah, well that's the loony-tuney left, you know.
Alan: That's...
Adam: You've hit on my Achilles bugbear there.
Alan: Yes, er. You're very different, aren't you?
Adam: I, I am different.
Alan: Did, did, did you go to sch..., did you study at university or...?
Adam: Ha, ha, ha ha ha ho. You know, or you should know, that I was educated at the Uni...
Both: ...versity of Life.
Alan: So was I.
Adam: And that's the best place. And I graduated with flying honours.
Alan: So did I.
Adam: I'm the warden of that university. I'm the rector. I'm the dean.
Alan: Well, I'm, I'm there as well. Um.
Adam: Ally, Ally, were you there?
Ally: I feel terribly left out, actually. No, I was at Keele, but, er, I think I'm probably doing a postgraduate course.
Adam: What are O Levels? They're just bits of toilet paper. What are A Levels?
Alan: Well, you know.
Adam: They're just bits of luxury toilet paper.
Alan: Yeah, that's a point, yeah, well, I mean, I agree with you in a way there. I mean I've got O Levels and a couple of A Levels, but, er, you know, maybe they're just bits of paper that you have framed in your office on either side of the... You know, I mean, you know I've got six, um, O Levels. Um, got four, four Bs and two Cs and er, got, er, I actually got seven 'cause I got a, er, D in French but I retook that and got a B, so that's seven, and, er, got, er, two A Levels. I, I, I, er, took French and, er, Art and General Studies, but I dropped French because, um, er, it was too much, but, I, I ended up with, er, er, a C in, er, Art and B, B in General Studies, which, of course, I'm quite pleased about.
Adam: Right.
Alan: Yeah.
Adam: Thanks for letting us know that, Alan. Let's give him a round of applause there.
Alan: OK, all right, OK, no we'll cut...
Adam: No, I'm sorry, I was out of order. I know, it's your show, you're the boss.
Alan: No, that's all right. You can say that, just... shh. Your new drink, Vegina. The advert's been banned.
Adam: The new vegetable drink, Vegina. Yes, there has been problems with the Advertising Standards Authority. Again, loony-tuney left, students, feminists, women, whatever, whoever they are, God knows.
Alan: Right.
Adam: But these people really just get on my breasts. I mean, the, the, they are just...
Alan: Let's, let's see what...
Adam: Yeah, let's...
Alan: ...this is about.
Adam: ...let's hear the advert...
Alan: ...hear the advert...
Adam: ...and then, and then... this is the banned advert.
Alan: That you won't be hearing.
Adam: For the vegetable...
Alan: My show. Shh.
Advert: "Vegina."
"Carlos Dawson, 42."
"Vegina."
"Heart attack."
"Vegina."
"Mary Armstrong, 33."
"Vegina."
"Knocked down by a car."
"Vegina."
"Jerry Davies, 62."
"Vegina."
"Kidney disease."
"Vegina."
"Paula Wills, 5."
"Vegina."
"Never found."
"Vegina."
"Maureen Hadley, 87."
"Vegina."
"Battered."
"Vegina. For life."
"Not death."
Adam: Now, now, what, what is the problem?
Alan: That's terrible.
Ally: I... It's a disgrace.
Alan: The DTI are investigating you at the moment, er. Might as well mention that. Um...
Ally: Why not? Why not chuck that in?
Alan: Your sweat shops in Thailand...
Adam: They are not sweat shops. They are not sweat shops.
Alan: Well...
Adam: They are factories.
Alan: Factories with 11 year-old boys working 18 hour days.
Adam: Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's, let's just get something very, very, very clear, here.
Alan: All right.
Adam: In Thailand, an 11 year-old boy is considered, in their culture, to be a man.
Alan: Ahh...
Adam: So when I employ an 11 year-old boy, he is, in fact, a man. I am employing 11 year-old men...
Alan: Right...
Ally: Well that's not how Amnesty sees it, clearly. I mean, the Amnesty Report was absolutely...
Adam: Well, who are Amnesty?
Alan: No, he, that's, there is a good point here, actually. Who, who is Amnesty?
Adam: I'll tell you, I'll tell you who Amnesty is. Amnesty is five bearded, bitter hippies.
Ally: Well, that's great coming from you, isn't it, because when I first met you, you were a bearded hippy. You may not've... You know...
Adam: Yeah, but, I, I was never bitter.
Ally: Yes, you were.
Adam: I was not bitter.
Ally: You're bitter, you're bitter now.
Adam: Maybe after I met you I was bitter.
Ally: OK, let's not get personal.
Alan: Hang on. Hey, hey, hey.
Ally: I mean, this is not hostility here.
Alan: No, wait, wait, wait...
Adam: We didn't call you Miss Lemon for nothing.
Alan: Listen. Let's just, woah. Let's cool it down. Now then, er, (clears throat) we'll, er, have Amnesty on next week, with, er, Ken Dodd, hopefully. Thailand. A bit more relaxed the culture there, isn't it?
Adam: That's right.
Alan: They don't mind 11 year-old boys. That kind of thing.
Adam: Hold on. What, what are you saying?
Alan: Just that, you know...
Adam: No, no, no, you're always flannelling about.
Alan: All right.
Adam: What are you saying?
Alan: All right. I'll tell you what I'm saying:
Adam: Yes, what are you saying?
Alan: I, Alan Partridge...
Adam: Yes, I know who you are...
Alan: ...am saying to you, Adam Wells. You, in the 60s, you were a big shot. You, you, you went to loads of orgies with men and women at them...
Adam: Yes, and you're jealous...
Alan: I'm not jealous.
Adam: ...'cause you weren't there.
Alan: I was at loads of barbecues. You were all over the place, seeing women here, women there, and, and, dabbling all over the world. Four wives.
Adam: How many women have you had?
Alan: That's irrelevant. You...
Adam: You've had one. You've had one.
Alan: So what. The point is, and I've got two strapping children to show for it and you haven't borne any children, have you?
Adam: So what are you saying?
Alan: Right, what am I saying? You have been spreading your seed, but reaping no harvest.
Ally: Careful Alan...
Adam: What's that supposed to mean?
Alan: You're firing blanks. You are, you are infertile.
Ally: Oh, now look. You can't go saying that...
Adam: For God's sakes...
Ally: Alan...
Alan: And on that bombshell...
Ally: You can't just...
Ally: Alan...
Alan: And on that bombshell, it's time to say: That's all from the show...
Adam: Who is Alan Partridge? Who is this guy? What is he? Look at him.
Alan: ...this week. Me, Alan Partridge. Thanks to my guests Lawrence Camley, Ally Tennant, Adam Wells. The writers and researchers. Steve Coogan, Doon McKechan, David Schneider and of course, produced by Armando Ianucci. Thanks very much and goodnight.

Applause.

Alan: Thanks very much and goodnight. Well done. Great. All right. Just, er...

Music: "Knowing Me, Knowing You"

Transcribed by Chris Gittings. Last revised November 1994.